Hi everyone. I know I haven't been a very good blogger during this FET, and I apologize for my lack of posting. I guess it's because of what happened with the fresh cycle. My hope and fear are both present on a daily basis. Losing my pregnancy was one of the saddest moments of my life. But grief doesn't exist in just a moment. I experience the loss every day. I will never not be sad by this loss, but I'm also never just sad. Being pregnant was such a great joy, and I am happy I was able to have those few weeks of blissful pregnancy:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your
laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in
the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very
wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your
heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is
giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you
shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay,
sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the
other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales
between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at
standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold
and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
- Kahlil Gibran
I know that joy and sorrow are inseparable. When I grieve I grieve for the beautiful connection I had with the people I loved and who loved me, who are now gone. I am fortunate to have had such love in my life.
I'm 4dp5dt and go back and forth between thinking this FET failed and that I am pregnant (in which I am fearful I might lose the baby/babies). Neither of which is a very good frame of mind. I am trying to just accept whatever happens, and accept life on a day to day basis. This journey has taught me that despite my desires, I can't control my fate when it comes to infertility. The only thing I can change is my outlook:
Life never stays the same, and refusing to accept uncertainty and chance is setting up a battle that is not only un-winnable but also unnecessary. Accepting that life is about change helps you see more clearly what you do have control over and to take action.