Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A birthday wish

It was my birthday yesterday. When K and my sister asked what I wanted for my birthday I told them all I wanted was for my baby to be a healthy and keep growing for 34 more weeks - a very big request I know! Hopefully that birthday wish will be granted, but in the meantime K bought me lovely earings, and my friends gave me thai food, cupcakes, cookies, and a DQ blizzard :)

Our next ultrasound is this Thursday. I am feeling more hopeful due to increased nausea - it is way more intense than it was last pregnancy at this point, which I find reasurring even though I don't feel well. I am hoping that it is a good sign the little one is growing.

In other news I have developed my first reaction to a progesterone injection. I woke up this morning and where K had injected me the night before I had a red, itchy, nodule. Per the advice of my IVF expert friends I have applied cortisone cream and am trying to massage the area. K said that last night oil came out when he pulled out the needle, so I don't know if the oil migrated out of my muscle and into my subcutaneous tissue???

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Little Legume

Thank you all for your love, support, and prayers during this nerve wracking time. This morning we had our first ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was amazingly kind and understanding. She must have read my chart because she knew that I would be anxious. She started off by saying we wanted to see a gestation sac and yolk sac today and if we saw a fetal pole that would be extra. As soon as she put the ultrasound probe in she let me know that she saw a great looking yolk sac and a baby with a heartbeat! Baby measured on track for 5w6d and had a heart rate of 93. The Dr told me that the heart rate is on the low side of normal, but ok since we are so early. The baby's heart only started beating recently and the SA node (electrical center that sets the rate of the heart) is still immature. In the first few days the fetal heart rate can be lower than what we would expect in a week. Here are some pictures: 

This one shows the fetal pole. Babies heart made him/her wiggle with each beat. I wish we had taken a video!

This one shows the baby (arrow) connected to the yolk sac.

There is dispute in my family on the proper legume nickname we should call him/her. K says Snap Pea, my sister says Lima Bean. I think Little Legume is pretty cute :) The ultrasound tech even said baby looked like a cute Bean.

Today we are feeling much more comfortable with this pregnancy. This morning I was on my knees praying in the bathroom when I woke up. We hope the Little Legume continues to grow and flourish. We have a followup ultrasound next Thursday to ensure he/she is growing appropriately and to check the heart rate.

I know a heartbeat still isn't a guarantee, but it was reassuring to see today. I still am scared, but I want to enjoy this pregnancy by focusing on living in the moment.

I hope each and every one of you gets a chance to see a little heart beating inside of you. You each deserve it so much. Sometimes my heart aches when I think of all of you and the pain we all are going through. I don't have any answers but I will continue to root for you, pray for you, and support you until you get a take home baby.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


I am  having a hard time remaining calm this pregnancy. After I lost my last pregnancy my whole world came crashing down. I believed that we had made it through the hard stuff; that a pregnancy would equal a baby. But now I know things aren't that simple. And it sucks. I feel like I have been robbed. Robbed of my dreams of how I imagined my children would be conceived, and now robbed of my dreams of enjoying my pregnancy.

I am having hard time even thinking of myself as pregnant.  I logged onto fertilebook and saw a pregnancy announcement from one of K's friends, who I am not that fond of to begin with, and I felt pure jealousy. I couldn't muster up any happiness for them, and it made me feel lousy. I was jealous that they were in a secure enough place in their pregnancy that they could announce it on face.book. Jealous that they were pregnant - at which point I tried to remind myself "you are pregnant too." But I couldn't over come the feeling.

Despite this, I will be destroyed if the ultrasound is bad on Thursday.

I don't want to have to do IVF all over again... But we have no more frozen embryos, so we will have to do IVF again if this pregnancy doesn't result in a live baby in 35 weeks. And if we have to, we will do it all over again. I would go though IVF many times over again for a baby.

I don't want to have to do IVF again... because if I have to go through it again it means we lost another baby. I want this/these baby(ies) that are growing inside of me. I wanted the baby that was growing inside of me 3 months ago. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if we hadn't lost our first baby. We could have been the ones posting on facebook this week.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Midwest Infertility and Adoption Conference

I'm going to be joining Kim from No Good Eggs at Resolve's Midwest Infertility and Adoption Conference in Minnesota in September. The Conference is on Saturday, September 21, 2013 in Golden Valley, MN and covers topics from adoption, to paying for IVF, to donor embryoes:


I know some of ladies live nearby, so you should think about coming to meet me :)

I am trying to wait patiently for my ultrasound on Thursday. I haven't felt the best the last few days. I've had a lot of headaches and nausea, which I'm trying not to get too excited about, but has been somewhat reassuring. I hope that it is a sign my little baby/babies are growing.

I was praying about my babies the other day while K was driving and when I looked up we were passing a car with the license plates "BFP." Maybe a positive sign?

In sad news, my blogging friend Suzanne just found out she is losing her miracle baby. Please visit her blog to offer her some love and support.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Could it be happening again?

My first beta was great on Friday at 142, but the second beta 72 hours later was only 318.  When I saw the number my heart dropped. I knew it hadn't risen enough. I'm terrified. Last time it rose at a similar rate and the pregnancy wasn't viable. I prayed that it would be obviously good, so that K and I could begin to embrace the pregnancy. It's hard not to compare numbers, but in the blog world most of the women I see get pregnant with IVF have doubling times of 30-48 hours... I was worried the clinic would say it was ok, when I didn't think it was, but the clinic called and left a message. My doctor is worried and wants to do an early ultrasound on the 25th. So, now I'm worried that they agree it is troubling. I came home from work and just broke down. Could we have gone through all of this again just to lose more babies?

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

2 peas in the pod?

K is out of town for a few days. The morning he was leaving (5.5dp5dt) I wanted to test, because I was hoping it would be positive and then we could have a celebration. With the fresh cycle I told him over the phone, which wasn't as exciting as I had hoped, so I knew at the beginning of the FET that if I found out I was pregnant I wanted to tell him in person this time. Now, back to the morning he was leaving... I tried to be all sneaky, but my pregnancy tests were sealed in an ama.zon box. He heard me rustling, so I had to abandon my plans to test or risk ruining the suprise. All day at work I was thinking about testing. I had trouble concentrating because I wanted to test (not a very good situation when I'm trying to be a good medical student.)

When I got home from work I ran to the bathroom and peed in a cup. I hadn't been refraining from drinnking, so I had to make sure my urine was at least somewhat concentrated before dipping a nice, expensive pregnancy test into it. It looked ok. I reassured mysself that if it was negative I was testing fairly early using mid-afternoon urine. I dipped the test in and set it on the counter. As if she were a guardian of the pregnancy test, my cat jumped up on the counter and stood watch over the test for the full 3 minutes. I left my cat with the test and when I walked back in a few minutes later this is what I saw:

Two beautiful lines.

I haven't told K yet, because he doesn't get back till tomorrow night or Friday, but I couldn't wait to share with all of you. Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes with this cycle. Whenever I recieve an email alerting me of your comments it makes my day. You girls are the best :)

I have thought about things and going forward I am going to believe my babies are healthy and strong and that everything will be ok. I've been imaging 2 healthy embryos growing and 2 healthy babies being born in ~9 months. 1st beta is Friday morning.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Joy and Sorrow

Hi everyone. I know I haven't been a very good blogger during this FET, and I apologize for my lack of posting. I guess it's because of what happened with the fresh cycle. My hope and fear are both present on a daily basis. Losing my pregnancy was one of the saddest moments of my life. But grief doesn't exist in just a moment. I experience the loss every day. I will never not be sad by this loss, but I'm also never just sad. Being pregnant was such a great joy, and I am happy I was able to have those few weeks of blissful pregnancy:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
- Kahlil Gibran

I know that joy and sorrow are inseparable. When I grieve I grieve for the beautiful connection I had with the people I loved and who loved me, who are now gone. I am fortunate to have had such love in my life.

I'm 4dp5dt and go back and forth between thinking this FET failed and that I am pregnant (in which I am fearful I might lose the baby/babies). Neither of which is a very good frame of mind. I am trying to just accept whatever happens, and accept life on a day to day basis. This journey has taught me that despite my desires, I can't control my fate when it comes to infertility. The only thing I can change is my outlook:

Life never stays the same, and refusing to accept uncertainty and chance is setting up a battle that is not only un-winnable but also unnecessary. Accepting that life is about change helps you see more clearly what you do have control over and to take action.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Transfer 2.0

Yesterday we had our transfer for our FET. This time my bladder was so full I thought it might burst. I told K it's like being at a movie theater near the end of a really good movie after drinking a giant soda and really needing to pee but not wanting to so that you don't miss the end of the movie.

In good news both our blasts surived the thaw and were transfered successfully. The Dr said it was a picture perfect transfer, which I am very grateful for. My blood hcg draw is next Friday. I am pretty busy till then so hopefully the time will pass quickly. However, K will be out of town next Tuesday-Friday so if I get an urge to pee on a stick, no one will be there to stop me.

I don't know how to feel about everything. I am trying to embrace these 2 blasts, and I know I am already attached to them, but I'm scared that I might get pregnant and lose 1 or both of them. I want so badly for them to grow into 2 perfect babies.