Thursday, May 16, 2013


I have been having a lot of feelings that I am not proud of.

Normally, I am very compassionate and empathetic. Part of the reason I didn't like OB/GYN, for example, is because my patient's suffering touched me so deeply. I brought that sadness home with me whenever something went wrong. 

But lately, instead of feeling sympathetic when I hear of other people's loss/struggles, I feel bitter, because I compare it to my own and find their's lacking/easier. I know this sounds ridiculous and not very nice, and really it is not even an appropriate/possible thing to do. When I take a step back, I know I can't compare my own pain to someone else's pain, but in the moment I can't help but feel that I have been wronged, that I have had it worse. I don't feel bad for the person who is suffering, I feel bad for myself.

For example, I had a classmate who was upset that his great-grandpa is sick and might die. I should sympathize with him, I know how much it hurts to lose someone. But instead I am pissed off that he still has his parents, and grandparents, and a great-grandparent(!) gosh darn it. Or similarly, I have a sick pregnant patient, but instead of being sorry she is sick, I think "well at least she has a baby."

And when I think like this I know that if the majority of people around the world looked at my situation they would say how can she be so pissed/complain so much/feel so wronged when she has such a great husband, a good education, a stable career, a roof over her head, her health, etc. So many people in world have had horrible, terrible, gut wrenching tragedy and injustices afflict them. When I truly think about it, I know that the majority of the people in the world have it worse off than me... Why am I so caught up in my own grief?  Why do I feel like I have had it worse? I know I have so many great things in my life, but I can't see past the things that are bad.

When I think of my mom, I think of her suffering. I relive all of the bad things that happened in her last few months. I see her sick in bed. But she was only sick for 1 year of the 23 that I had with her. And her last few months had many happy moments. I don't know why the horrible memories are the ones that come to my mind, often unsolicited. I wish I knew how to move past those memories so I could remember the good times.

I do believe in God, but I can't find any peace. I don't have any religious solution to my suffering. After a tragic event, the religious people in my life generally say things like struggles help bring you closer to God or suffering helps you learn to rely on God. But right now that answer just makes me angry. Am I so distant from God, that I need so many struggles in my life to bring me closer to God? Am I that bad of a person, or am I that bad on relying on God, that I need so many reminders that I need to rely on God instead of my own understanding? And even if it was even partly true, would God let the people I love die just to teach me a lesson?
So now you all know that I am not being a very good person right now. I feel very woe-is-me, and I am embarrassed by my feelings. Losing Beansprout has triggered a lot of feelings of losing my parents. I need to figure out a way to move past my grief, or at least not to be completely consumed by it. I don't want the bad things that have happened in my life to make me a bitter person. I still want to be kind and loving and compassionate. 


  1. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are only human and these are natural feelings. The important point is that you are aware of your emotions and are keeping yourself in check to ensure you don't let them overtake you. It's okay to feel negative feelings sometimes, but I think as long as you also remind yourself of your blessings, you balance yourself out. Sending you tons of good vibes my friend xo

  2. I don't think you should be embarrassed at all. What you are going through is completely normal. It is your mind and body's way of shutting down and focusing on healing. It doesn't leave much empathy for anything else. Also, it makes sense that it would bring up old pain. Just as long as you don't get stuck there and slowly, bit by bit, you can move out of it. Take care of yourself and talk to people who make you feel better.

  3. I agree with the ladies above. There is nothing wrong with how you feel right now, you're going through a lot and these feelings are very normal! And I VERY much agree with the paragraph on God/religion. I've been struggling with those feelings since the miscarriage as well. I don't just don't understand how things work. I know everyone so commonly says, "well this is God's plan for you"...but why does "the plan" include everyone getting happy endings through their dysfunction while we go through hell after hell? I'll just never understand it.

  4. You shouldn't feel guilty or embarrassed. Grief can make you feel so many emotions that can have you feeling all over the place. Let yourself heal by whatever means necessary and know that what you are going through is normal. My struggles these past few years have also made me feel things that I never thought I could. I get it. I'm just so sorry that you are going through this. xo

  5. (((Hugs))) Life sucks sometimes. "This too shall pass."

  6. Dee, losing a baby is hell and you are entitled to feel angry and upset and even mad at the world. And it is possible to feel grateful for what you have and still upset over something (someone) you don't. Right now just try to get through one day at a time and take the best care of yourself you can. And know we are out here in cyberspace sending all our support. You can also contact us anytime if you need to "talk."

  7. You need to be angry. Take that time. It is an experience we all have to go through during this shit. I wish I had advice on how to stop comparing your grief and challenges with the people around you. But I can't help because I do that all the time. My therapist tries to help me, but she is not succeeding lol. My only advice is to find an outlet or two - blogging, exercising, screaming into a pillow, food fights, etc!