Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Plan, Resolve, and Depression

Yesterday I called the IVF clinic and told the nurse that I had gotten my period (which definitely is a period now). At first she tried to tell me that I had gotten my period one day too early for this upcoming IVF cycle and would have to wait till my period next month. However, when I was at the clinic the other week they told me I could start IVF if I got my period between Feb 7-March 28, and that is even written on the paper they gave me, so I was a bit persistent that the nurse check with the doctor. I tried to be nice and told her that that didn't sound like what the doctor had told me. K says I get pushy at the clinic, but it's only because I don't want to have any regrets that I didn't advocate enough for myself enough during this process, so I always am vocal about my needs and desires with the clinic. She eventually called me back and told me that the doctor said I can start taking the birth control and that K and I should take our antibiotic at the same time, which we did last night. So I have now officially started IVF, although it feels like I am still waiting. My first US is 1 month from today - March 14, and then we will decide what day I will stop taking the birth control. The nurse told me I will tentatively stop March 20, which will be 35 days of birth control and then would start stimming March 23rd. They ordered all my meds and I will pick them up from the hospital the day of my baseline US.

Last night I also went to my first Resolve group meeting. I had seen a flyer advertising the group at my IVF clinic and I thought it would be good to talk to other ladies going through infertility. I have been very quiet about everything I have been going through with my friends and family. At first I was talking to one of my very close friends about my frustrations when K and I started ttc, but as troubles kept arising she kept telling me that everything would work out and that everything was in God's plan, which I know she was only saying to try and make me feel better, but it just made me feel worse, so I stopped talking about my struggles with her. Recently I have been feeling more and more emotional and can tell that K is hurting because I'm so upset all the time, so I have been trying to find new outlets of support and emotional well-being.

Shortly after my Mom was diagnosed with cancer I started on anti-depressants. However, I stopped them when K and I started ttc. I have been wondering recently if I should go back onto them, especially after listening to Mo on the Bitter Infertiles podcast talk repeatedly about the importance of treating depression when ttc. I don't know why I am resistant to go back on them, other than the fact that they were soooo horrible to stop. I felt jittery and irritated for about 3 weeks coming off of them. I scheduled an appointment with my OB/GYN next week because I need to get a pap smear and my TSH checked for IVF, but I am thinking about discussing starting anti-depressants with her. I also emailed 2 counselors in the area asking them if they had experience with patients dealing with infertility, but neither has responded yet... I sort of feel like I shouldn't be depressed. I have so many wonderful things in my life - a great husband, the financial means to proceed with IVF (although I would much rather have my parent's alive then to be able to afford IVF with their life insurance policies), a good education, and a job that lets me help people. But at the same time I feel so angry that I have had to go through infertility and losing my Mom (after losing my Dad) in the same year. I feel isolated because I don't know anyone else who has no parents and has no children (that she wants desperately to have.)

Which brings me back to the Resolve group. There were 5 great ladies there who I really enjoyed talking to, and 2 of the ladies are going through IVF/FET at my clinic and were able to give me a lot of information and advice. The group meets once per month, which will be great for me. I kind of wish they met even more often!


  1. So glad that you joined us last night! And always feel free to reach out to us to meet up for coffee, brunch, whatever between meetings! RESOLVE frowns on it because they dont want the monthly meetings to lose their life, but clearly we never run out of things to talk about! So it is the only rule we ignore! We have met up to workout, do yoga, eat, drink, etc!

  2. What a great night!! So glad you're able to find some ladies (in person) to really help support you through this journey. I have big hopes for your IVF cycle and I can't believe we're doing this at almost the exact same time!! Big hugs.