Anxiety

I am  having a hard time remaining calm this pregnancy. After I lost my last pregnancy my whole world came crashing down. I believed that we had made it through the hard stuff; that a pregnancy would equal a baby. But now I know things aren't that simple. And it sucks. I feel like I have been robbed. Robbed of my dreams of how I imagined my children would be conceived, and now robbed of my dreams of enjoying my pregnancy.

I am having hard time even thinking of myself as pregnant.  I logged onto fertilebook and saw a pregnancy announcement from one of K's friends, who I am not that fond of to begin with, and I felt pure jealousy. I couldn't muster up any happiness for them, and it made me feel lousy. I was jealous that they were in a secure enough place in their pregnancy that they could announce it on face.book. Jealous that they were pregnant - at which point I tried to remind myself "you are pregnant too." But I couldn't over come the feeling.

Despite this, I will be destroyed if the ultrasound is bad on Thursday.

I don't want to have to do IVF all over again... But we have no more frozen embryos, so we will have to do IVF again if this pregnancy doesn't result in a live baby in 35 weeks. And if we have to, we will do it all over again. I would go though IVF many times over again for a baby.

I don't want to have to do IVF again... because if I have to go through it again it means we lost another baby. I want this/these baby(ies) that are growing inside of me. I wanted the baby that was growing inside of me 3 months ago. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if we hadn't lost our first baby. We could have been the ones posting on facebook this week.