The Plan, Resolve, and Depression

Yesterday I called the IVF clinic and told the nurse that I had gotten my period (which definitely is a period now). At first she tried to tell me that I had gotten my period one day too early for this upcoming IVF cycle and would have to wait till my period next month. However, when I was at the clinic the other week they told me I could start IVF if I got my period between Feb 7-March 28, and that is even written on the paper they gave me, so I was a bit persistent that the nurse check with the doctor. I tried to be nice and told her that that didn't sound like what the doctor had told me. K says I get pushy at the clinic, but it's only because I don't want to have any regrets that I didn't advocate enough for myself enough during this process, so I always am vocal about my needs and desires with the clinic. She eventually called me back and told me that the doctor said I can start taking the birth control and that K and I should take our antibiotic at the same time, which we did last night. So I have now officially started IVF, although it feels like I am still waiting. My first US is 1 month from today - March 14, and then we will decide what day I will stop taking the birth control. The nurse told me I will tentatively stop March 20, which will be 35 days of birth control and then would start stimming March 23rd. They ordered all my meds and I will pick them up from the hospital the day of my baseline US.

Last night I also went to my first Resolve group meeting. I had seen a flyer advertising the group at my IVF clinic and I thought it would be good to talk to other ladies going through infertility. I have been very quiet about everything I have been going through with my friends and family. At first I was talking to one of my very close friends about my frustrations when K and I started ttc, but as troubles kept arising she kept telling me that everything would work out and that everything was in God's plan, which I know she was only saying to try and make me feel better, but it just made me feel worse, so I stopped talking about my struggles with her. Recently I have been feeling more and more emotional and can tell that K is hurting because I'm so upset all the time, so I have been trying to find new outlets of support and emotional well-being.

Shortly after my Mom was diagnosed with cancer I started on anti-depressants. However, I stopped them when K and I started ttc. I have been wondering recently if I should go back onto them, especially after listening to Mo on the Bitter Infertiles podcast talk repeatedly about the importance of treating depression when ttc. I don't know why I am resistant to go back on them, other than the fact that they were soooo horrible to stop. I felt jittery and irritated for about 3 weeks coming off of them. I scheduled an appointment with my OB/GYN next week because I need to get a pap smear and my TSH checked for IVF, but I am thinking about discussing starting anti-depressants with her. I also emailed 2 counselors in the area asking them if they had experience with patients dealing with infertility, but neither has responded yet... I sort of feel like I shouldn't be depressed. I have so many wonderful things in my life - a great husband, the financial means to proceed with IVF (although I would much rather have my parent's alive then to be able to afford IVF with their life insurance policies), a good education, and a job that lets me help people. But at the same time I feel so angry that I have had to go through infertility and losing my Mom (after losing my Dad) in the same year. I feel isolated because I don't know anyone else who has no parents and has no children (that she wants desperately to have.)

Which brings me back to the Resolve group. There were 5 great ladies there who I really enjoyed talking to, and 2 of the ladies are going through IVF/FET at my clinic and were able to give me a lot of information and advice. The group meets once per month, which will be great for me. I kind of wish they met even more often!